If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man’s life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.

                 Driftwood (1857)  Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I think about bullies quite a lot. The experiences have strongly shaped the person I am now. I’m not sure I really know this man who shys away from mirrors and averts his gaze. That prefers solitude beyond that which his introvert nature needs to the point of near isolation. I allowed these individuals to strip away any positive sense of self for their own simple amusement.

 I started this post with the quote above because for a while it gave me a bit of peace that though I was being tormented my foes had troubles of their own. But over time I added a caveat: “but this doesn’t give them permission to take it out on others.” I won’t go into full details on all the many times I remember in particular as I was only going to do a brief writing tonight on the subject at the gentle prompting of Dawnie for the Band Back Together Anti-Bullying Carnival. But I’ll mention a couple of specific times that really stick out.

I was bullied pysically and verbally from First Grade through the end of High School. Though the worst of this really began with Fifth Grade when I had to ride the bus to the next town over for Middle and then High School. These rides were fifteen to thirty minutes of being caged in with the tormentors. I never really understood what drew their attention to me but I suspect that one of the aspects that kept them going was that I didn’t fight back. The number of participants varied but was never less than 3 to 1 odds against. Ages varied with some of the older kids participating and some kids from the grade below joining in and continuing after the other class matriculated.

I’d hear all sorts of foul comments about my appearance, personal habits, or anything else they felt like venting my way. I was a particpant in the school music programs during this same time and would usually be transporting my instrument, an alto saxophone, and a duffle bag of books which would occasionally be shoved or kicked at. There were times I irrationally was more worried about dad being displeased about something happening to the expensive instrument than to my own well being when these physical incidents happened. They’d also at times be loitering in the hallways near the lunch room during that break period and set up a gauntlet to shove unfortunates like myself about. I don’t remember this happening too often but I also began being more careful on my approach to that room or do what I could to get into a different study hall or a pass to the art room so I could use a different lunch period.

The first time I really remember bullying was on the elementary playground. Kindegarteners were on a different schedule but everyone else was out at the same time if I recall correctly. I must have been in First grade and somehow I’d drawn the ire of an older boy. By today’s standards much of the playground equipment at our school would be classified as medieval torture implements. This incident happened on a merry-go-round that was composed of steal pipe around a central axis with planks to stand on. If a couple of people grabbed and ran they could get it going at a pretty good clip. I was on it and this boy got on next too me and it was brought up to a heavy spin and this boy dug his fingernails into my fingers until I lost my grip and was flung out onto the pavement that ran under most of the equipment. I was lucky that I land well and only recieved scrapes and scratches.

 I had other run-ins with this boy and his friends but it did lead to one moment that was worth keeping. Probably the first time I really thought in terms of heroes in reality. One time when this boy was getting ready to mess with me, one of his peers turned from playing basketball and told him to leave me alone. As simple as that, the bully stopped because he’d been called on it. That boy was my hero for a long time for that simple act. Some bullies can be tamed with just that little bit of peer pressure that they might be ostracised instead of their victims.

Jumping back ahead I’ll mention a movie that changed my life, horribly, and it seems so innocent that I’m guessing by title alone most of you won’t see where the problem comes from. It was the adatptation of the ‘Beverly Hillbillies’ starring Jim Varney. I hadn’t seen the film but most of my tormentors did and quickly took immense pleasure at quoting a taunt they’d learned which was used against a character in the film. Hollywood has long used my first name for villains and female characters during my life time, and I figured the quote was the heroes picking at a rival. I hated the movie for fueling their mockery and further hurting my feelings about my own name. Much later I was watching tv and the movie came up and I decided to see for myself how they’d come by this much used phrase. It turned out the phrase in the movie was used by bullies against the boy that friended the family. As happens in comedies the bullies are undone and the boy gets a pretty girlfriend and everyone is happy. Without any sense of irony my own tormentors ran with it and never did get retribution. There are other unpleasant examples scattered about some worse than others, like having spit-valves of brass instruments emptied over my head, that I may revisit at some point but the urge to run away from these thoughts is strong and I’ve fought it off about as long as I feel I want to for this evening.

Sorry, if this post has rambled and bounced around. I’m not trying to keep to chronology or focus. Just following the thoughts as they try to escape. I’m not sure I have good advice for others in the situation. I’ve continuted to fight with bullies in the college and the working world afterward. Though once you get out of the lower education system the terminology tends to shift toward ‘harassment’ versus ‘bullying’ and in politics it becomes ‘negative campaigning’. I’ve seen a shift in the anti-bullying commercials as well. When I was growing up it was McGruff telling kids to stand against bullies when they see someone being picked on and now they just say to run and get an authority figure. The one time my tormentors thought I’d ratted them out they came down harder the next day and blamed me for getting them in trouble.

I haven’t talked about my past much or sought help of any kind. I have a terrible self image and get anxious very easily. I’ve been picked on my male and female, older and younger, school and work. I have a panic attack at the idea of trying to flirt or talk to a interesting girl. I just got reprimanded at work for helping someone during training and apparently for having a conversation with a coworker. This has flicked the raw nerves of the bullied brain and I think someone at work has decided to try and get me and trouble and the managers have played right into it.

Be strong, be stubborn, be ornery if you can, just don’t left them win. Probably one of the best ways to spite an enemy is to live a good life. Just keep fighting, regardless of what comes next the only way to find out how the story is going to go is to keep moving through it.

I’ll end on a quote from my mom that sometimes helped. “Don’t let the bastards get you down.”